Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
