HIV tests are more positive than that guy
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
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