I CAN MOONWALK!
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
