cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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