$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
