Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
