There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
