you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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