Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
vagina is talking i cant
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I just blew my weed a kiss
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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