i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
