I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
