I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
