You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
