i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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