So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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