woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I want her autograph on my taint
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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