I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Did I show you my penis last night?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
