Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
So much Jack, so little girl.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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