Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
