Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
