Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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