I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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