I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
He shit in the fireplace
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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