please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
