I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
