This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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