I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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