I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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