She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
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