like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Randomize
