the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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