Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
