Will you blow on my dice?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
