You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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