dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
