ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
MIDGETS
????
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
