it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
