Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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