I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
