well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
