Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
