you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
