I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
home. puking in laundry basket.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
