my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
