im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
