thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
