Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
