I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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