I wish I could punch you in the face.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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