Someone shit on the floor
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize