Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We left the knife in your bed.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
