I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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