i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
