Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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