she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
